Faulty Women

>> Jan 29, 2010

Dear females of the human species,

it has been brought to our attention that there are several faults with the WomanKindBody500.  We apologise for these problems and assure you we are doing everything in our power to rectify these faults in our newer models.  We urge you to make the following changes to your WomanKind Body500 to restore them to their intended natural beauty.

Failure to do so may break our terms and conditions and invalidate your guarantee.  A lengthy sentence of being single and having no friends may be enforced.

  • WomanKindBody5000 has developed a fault with the hair growth system.  Rip all hair from the WomanKindBody500 that is not on your scalp, eyebrows, eyelids or groin. (we'll get to all those later).  You must never show signs of hair growth in places not listed above. It is unwomanly and breaks the terms of your contract.
  • Smear your WomanKindBody500 face in coloured chemicals to make you look more natural and healthy.  You must do this every day not allowing anyone to see you with out your face chemicals on to do so is a serious offence and will be treated as such.
  • The hair on the WomanKindBody500's eyelids is not dark or thick enough.  Colour it and and or use false lashes. 
  • Eyebrow hair must not be seen on the face of the WomanKindBody500 except in the pattern laid out on page 5, the perfect womanly eyebrow shape.  Failure to comply is a serious offence.
  • WomanKindBody500 has malfunctioning scalp hair.  Blow dry, straighten, curl your hair to make it more bouncy/shiny/curly/straight.  It isn't female enough unless it bounces and shines.  You may not leave the house until you have completed this task or you will be breaking the terms and conditions of owning a WomanKindBody500.
  • Whiten your teeth to the new 'freakishly white' shade on page 7.  Only women with very white teeth are considered attractive and are therefore covered by the WomanKindBody500 guarantee.
  • Apply fake tan, the WomanKindBody500 is too pale.  Beautiful women aren't pale.  *Note* some faulty units were sent out in an unattractive shade of dark brown.  It is utterly unacceptable to using a WomanKindBody500 in this condition.  Lighten immediately to fall within the colour range of sunkissed white to suntanned white as shown on page 3.  Failure to comply will be taken seriously.
  • The lip size of the WomanKindBody500 doesn't meet regulation standards and the skin is prone to early wrinkling.  Please use collagen as recommended on page 3.  Attractive women do *not* get wrinkles until they are 80.  If you get any before that you are obligated as part of your WomanKindBody500 contract to spend thousands of pounds on anti-wrinkle cream, hide them and be ashamed.
  • The natural nail colour of the WomanKindBody500 is not glossy or shiny enough.  Paint the nails, even if you paint them the same colour as they came, for the recommend (page 7) amount of gloss and shine.
  • The WomanKindBody500 has a tendency to grow hard around the feet area after time spent on hard floors.  This is not acceptable.  You must scrub all the hard skin away as beautiful women have feet as smooth and tender as a baby's bottom and therefore so should all owners of a WomanKindBody500.
  • Hair on or around the groin must be shaped and trimmed to fit the ideal of what a women looks like around the vagina area.  Detailed diagrams can be found on pages 11 through 13 of what is acceptable.  Only a small neat area of hair must remain and you must *never* show signs that hair grows in any other part of this area.  This would invalidate your WomanKindBody500 guarantee.
  • Lose weight.  The WomanKindBody500 was made to large therefore you are all fat and unattractive.  You must spend the rest of your lives denying yourself anything tasty and exercising to look like our photoshopped models, none of which have eaten a full meal since birth.  To not be seen and heard to be following a strict calorie controlled diet which leaves you miserable and shaky will result in immediate termination of your WomanKindBody500 guarantee and possible lengthy sentence of being single and a social pariah.  Dress size determined.  
Once again we are sorry for any  inconvenience this has caused and hope you continue to get a full and happy existence from your WomanKindBody500.

We reserve the right to add to or change this list without notifying you.  The first you will know about it will be when people start to snigger at you on the street for not matching our new terms and conditions.  The failure to apply any of the above amendments to your WomanKindBody500 will be a breach of contract and treated as such.


A late addition to the list has just been added.  All women please amend your list, failure to do so will make you a social outcast and invalidate your guarantee. This new rule is affective immediately.
  • All owners of WomanKindBody500 must start to worry about the smell and freshness of their vagina and vaginal area and apply clean wash, spray, soft lotion and use wipes on a daily basis.  This will eradicate the nasty and dirty natural vagina smell and replace it with a superior fake chemical scent of vanilla, ylang ylang or coconut.  
The failure to apply any of the above amendments to your WomanKindBody500 will be a breach of contract and treated as such.

Thank you to Rebel Women Cafe for inspiration for this post.
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