Feeling Like The Worlds Worst Mother

>> Mar 18, 2010

My daughter, the hyperactive 3.5 year old early riser of the family, slept at her grandmothers house one night last week.  My son, 1.5, slept at home.

I woke at 9am, eyes gently waking in the sunshine, lying in my bed stretching out and enjoying that glorious first few minutes a natural waking.  Something I've experienced maybe 5 times in the last 3.5 years.

The house was amazingly quiet.

The boy eventually woke up at 10.30am, 15 hours after I put him to bed.

It was a wonderful, glorious morning of happy, well rested, smiling people.  Until my daughter came crashing through the door that is.  Already exhausted from having been awake half the night playing with her cousins, the tantrums, crying and arguments between her and her brother began again in full fury.

That's when it happened.  When my brain jumped unbidden down it's own track.  I did the unthinkable, I actually thought 'wouldn't it be so much nicer without her.'

How could I?

I hated myself for it immediately.  Guilt ridden, horrified, I leapt to scoop her up in my arms and hold her close despite her protestations, to remind myself why life would not be better, not even contemplatable, without her.

And yet, that glimmer of life without always being woken up at 6am...well, I'd be lying if I said it didn't look good.

God, I hate myself for even thinking it, it's only sleep after all.  If anything were to happen to her I wouldn't be able to live with fact that thought ever been in my head.  But it's too late, I can't take it back, I can't un-think it, I am guilty of wishing my daughter away.

How could I do that?

Have you ever wished your children away or am I alone on this one?


Other Parenting Posts:
Do You Eat Out Of Date Food?
The TV Dilemma, How do You Manage It?
Do You Let Your Kids Play Out?
Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire!
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