>> Mar 27, 2010

My eyes widen as I read the words on my computer screen, chest expanding with red hot air that pushes against the insides, filling me.

I can't get any air in or out.

I can't breath.

The words run in front of my eyes again, over and over.



My ears roar as my eyes take them in again and again, searching for hidden meaning, for the acceptance, trying to change them.

They don't want me.

The hot air in my chest begins to condense.  Begins to turn into lead and drip slowly into the base of my stomach.



I feel sick.

This can't be right, this isn't right.  I have to do something, change it, it isn't fair.

My peripheral vision begins to blur as the screen becomes sharper, clearer, too sharp, the roaring getting louder.

Another uneven breath, ragged, catching.

I fight back the vomit and rest my trembling fingers on the keys, waiting for the rush of blood to pass, trying to think.

I need to write something, argue my case, make the bad news go away.

Change it.

Change it.

My fingers tap out a few words.  Delete them.  Tap again.  Delete.

They don't want me.

The lead in my stomach starts to bubble.

Fucking idiots.

Pressure fills my head like someone has an air hose going straight through my forehead.  I can't think.  My brain is being squeezed smaller and smaller as more and more air is forced inside my skull.

They don't want me.

They don't like what I've done.

I'm useless.

My face begins to fill with water, I can feel it beneath the eyes, pooling, swelling.

The boiling lead and the pooling water fight for a moment, anger and self pity going head to head.

What the fuck is wrong with them?

What is wrong with me?

With a force that has me drawing in a sudden breath, the water gushes over, winning, drowning the boiling lead in a fizz of anguished steam in the pit of my stomach.

The vomit and the tears rise together.

They don't want me.




It's the next day now and I'm fine, c'est la vie, and all that.  Well mostly.  It still hurts but in a much smaller and easier to ignore way.

No matter how much I prepare myself for rejection, no matter how many times I experience it, it always hits me like this and always just as hard as if it were the first time.

Even when I know it's coming I never seem to be able to prepare myself for it or get used to it.

How do you deal rejection?

How do you build your self confidence back up again afterwards?

How do you change it all into a positive?
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